Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Dinner Drivel



     When my parents were in their early 60s, they left the dining room table and began eating their dinner on TV tables in front of the television. I remember thinking, “They must not have anything to say to each other. I will never do this when I’m their age.”
Hah. Surprise. Gone are the days when Mr. Wonderful and I sat comfortably in front of our plates and carried on a conversation uninterrupted by leaky bladder commercials. I now cozy up to Brian Williams as I lay on my stomach in front of the fireplace. Digesting my salmon en croûte while my diaphragm is smushed into the oriental fibers is no small feat. Balancing petits pois on my fork is a real challenge tummy-side-down. One little pea always seems to get away and blend in with the grapes in the rug.

     Brian has become part of the family. We know him well. When I hear his voice, it’s like having a cuddly dog jumping up in your lap, looking up at you as though you are the only person on earth. Unfortunately, my relationship with Brian has not progressed to such an intimate level, but I love his voice and his eyebrows. Having him lick my nose, not so much.

     It doesn’t matter that 95% of the news he reports sends me into instant depression. It doesn’t matter that the lame commercials every two minutes give me heartburn. I am getting informed and staying in the mainstream. The news gives me cocktail party fodder, and things to think about when I wake up at 3 a.m.

    Sometimes I sit native-american style in the big black leather chair. The only problem with this is that the tray is too far away from my mouth, so I leave a trail of each course from my chin to my navel. Not a pretty sight.

    When Vanna White appears looking 40 at age 90, we know it’s time to change channels. We are now watching Two and a Half Men reruns from 1978. Mr. Wonderful still laughs until tears fall into his spinach.

     I can imagine what my parents are saying to each other as they look down on my pea-stained tank top. . . probably something like “I wonder how much they got for the tray tables.”