Tuesday, October 22, 2013

                                                 WHAT’S FUNNY ABOUT SEX?

What’s funny about sex? Everything is funny. Just think about it. When you are born, people stare at the ultrasound looking for your girl or boy part. Then you come out, butt-naked, and everyone looks at you and giggles. Then when you’re an infant, your parents think it would be cute to blackmail you by taking a photo of your naked ass on a baby blanket. This will be kept in a vault until you sass at 15 or when they are afraid you’re getting serious at 16. They bring it out and put it up on facebook so no person of either sex will ever want to date you.

Sex education provides all pubescents experiments to understand the biological terminology and safe practices necessary. From putting an umbrella on a banana to studying the anatomy of the opposite sex, teens are now fully equipped to break every rule whether in the back seat or behind the oak tree. They can even do it “Look, no hands” in cyberspace. They can now check out www.politicians.gov for a tutorial.

Then college days come along and invite sex at every turn. Fraternity parties serve alcohol in garbage cans and kegs. Living in unchaperoned houses invites free love on every floor. How times have changed. Co-eds in my day would not even have said the word condom out loud. Now there are machines in restrooms at Chucky Cheese. Recently I discovered that there is a town in France by that name (Condom, not Chucky Cheese). 

The sexual peak for men is about 18; while that of women is around 40. Now that’s funny. Maybe not if you’re 13 or 44.

Studies show that the number of times people have sex after marriage or cohabitation decreases gradually as they age. What started out as part of the couples’ entertainment before children come along often moves to the “to do” list after car pools and baths. That’s not funny. Neither is the ad for erectile dysfunction that shows two 30-something silhouettes in tubs. The caption reads, “If the relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready?” It seems to me that if one of them has to climb out of his or her tub sopping wet, perhaps still soapy that maybe the “right” moment will have already passed. Just sayin’.

Climbing the corporate ladder does not necessarily contribute to the enjoyment of sex in a relationship. Often cocktail lunches and job pressures can squelch the desire for intimacy, and couples are forced to make sex appointments with each other. Putting sex on a calendar is somehow weird. 

The definition of “sexual innuendo” has changed. There is hardly an adjective that doesn’t have some sexual connotation. I thought “Whip it” was something you did with an electric mixer when topping strawberry shortcake. People used to think of “weiner” as a hot dog, but one of our politicians has changed the whole image. The term “virgin,” will probably soon be eliminated from the dictionary, other than the  capitalized version.  New sexual vocabulary appears daily such as “twerk,”  and “splintercourse,” the latter referring to sex on a picnic table. “Just do it!” (Excuse me. This is a slogan for Nike, naughty reader.)