Monday, November 18, 2013

                                                                  DENIED? nfw

Suzie Orman has obliterated my bucket list. My bucket is now the size of a squirrel’s spitoon. I was leading an exquisite hedonistic existence until I accidentally came upon The Suzie Orman Show in the middle of the night. It was between her program, the upside down back stretcher special and the how-to-curl-your-hair-in-seventy-four-styles infomercial. Unfortunately, I chose Suzie. 

Now, I understand that Suzie means well, and she’s just trying to make us all financially responsible, mature adults. wtf. I thought I had a handle on maturity until I watched her pitch. Apparently, the $78.34 we have in our emergency fund is not going to cut it. My six-week solo trip to the Amalfi Coast that I intended to finance  with my piggy bank savings was “irresponsible,” and “DENIED.” I could even earn a free “DENIED” t-shirt to show the world what a financial loser I am if I were to choose to be on her program. 

Now who made her Queen of every buck? I haven’t got much time left, and the Amalfi Coast may not even be there in a year. At the rate the airfaires are going, I will have to get a third mortgage to afford the flight, and that’s assuming I can afford the $283 fee to bring a few pairs of thongs and my favorite stilettos.

Suzie is a very smart woman, but she and I don’t have any kharma. She’s way too left-brained for me. Let me get this straight:  I must save 60% of my income and put it in an  “Emergency Fund.” Trust me, going to Italy is urgent--like I need to be there yesterday. Then, I must be sure to have a minimum of nine million dollars in our 401K. For what? So we can look at it each morning over our Raisin Bran and say, “Oh, boy. Our kids are going to have a great life.” We should not have any credit card balances. We’re good there. All of our debt is on our equity loan, and we figure we should have that paid off by 2063. 

Suzie needs to lighten up. She is way too intense. I need to share with her my new “Mindfulness” Meditation CD. It teaches you to stay in the moment. At this moment, I need to pack for Salerno.