Thursday, December 26, 2013


                                     
                                                                BORE-OCSCOPE

January

The moon is in URANUS, and this means you aren’t thinking clearly and should therefore leave all romantic decisions to your hypnotist.

February

Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark hype. Screw the 14th, and diss all your past lovers.

March

There is no way to be happy in 48/51 states during these 31 days. Best option:  play canasta with your mother-in-law and eat mac n cheese until you fart.

April

The only good place this month is Paris, and the flights have been full since 2007. Put on a Chopin disc, dress up like George Sand, smoke a cigar and read Le Petit Prince.

May

The sun shines more in the first 9 days of this month, so put on your bikini or speedo and lie on your patio in your tin foil cape with a Jack and Coke. 

June

This is the month of the bride. Celebrate how happy you are not to be one.

July

Mars is tossing you back in the ring. When your BFF starts raggin’ on you about not partying with the pack, tell her to butt out until after the 26th when you will allow her back into your personal space.

August

No more lunch-time quickies. Thank Pluto.

September

Tell Mr. Wonderful if he doesn’t stop snoring, you’re going to buy the pit bull you’ve been eyeing.

October

Hello to scantily clad.

November

Neptune brings our your inner vixen.

December

You finally have the cajones to tell off your nasty boss. Lay it on thick, and then leave him a fruit cake with a copy of the ugly selfie he posted last month.