Thursday, December 26, 2013



The moon is in URANUS, and this means you aren’t thinking clearly and should therefore leave all romantic decisions to your hypnotist.


Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark hype. Screw the 14th, and diss all your past lovers.


There is no way to be happy in 48/51 states during these 31 days. Best option:  play canasta with your mother-in-law and eat mac n cheese until you fart.


The only good place this month is Paris, and the flights have been full since 2007. Put on a Chopin disc, dress up like George Sand, smoke a cigar and read Le Petit Prince.


The sun shines more in the first 9 days of this month, so put on your bikini or speedo and lie on your patio in your tin foil cape with a Jack and Coke. 


This is the month of the bride. Celebrate how happy you are not to be one.


Mars is tossing you back in the ring. When your BFF starts raggin’ on you about not partying with the pack, tell her to butt out until after the 26th when you will allow her back into your personal space.


No more lunch-time quickies. Thank Pluto.


Tell Mr. Wonderful if he doesn’t stop snoring, you’re going to buy the pit bull you’ve been eyeing.


Hello to scantily clad.


Neptune brings our your inner vixen.


You finally have the cajones to tell off your nasty boss. Lay it on thick, and then leave him a fruit cake with a copy of the ugly selfie he posted last month.