Thursday, December 5, 2013


                                       
In-CAN’T-ations


Yesterday, while doing squats in the grocery checkout line, I perused headlines on the covers of the most popular women’s magazines. Hello. Twenty-first century issues are no different than those my mother faced in 1949. Any woman can tell you what they are:  how to lose weight after puberty, how to improve your sex life despite cellulose and liver spots and how to afford an updated wardrobe on less than $6.00 a week. I could give any woman the answer to these three, and they wouldn’t have to spend $6.99 for a magazine filled with ads for items only affordable to Kate Middleton and Oprah Winfrey. Here are the answers in the above order:  1. you can’t 2. you can’t and 3. you can’t.

Are we women so gullible that after sixty plus years, we think Gen-ex-ers at the Vogue mahoghany desk have come up with answers that scientists and physicians have been seeking for centuries? Come on, ladies. Get a grip. We have to starve, work our asses off at the local gym and hoard the grocery change for seven months to even come close. There is no easy answer. These magazines just keep touting headlines in sexy neon colors and fetching fonts to lure us. Soon these publications will offer scratch and sniff covers so we can smell the scent of thin. The headline will read:  Inhale Pleasure in a $3 thong.  

Maybe it doesn’t matter, as magazines are disappearing faster than punctuation. The few that are left out there have shrunk to the size of a coaster. If women didn’t have to go to hair stylists, doctors and dentists, the magazine businss would be defunct.
Seems sad to equate Vogue with floss and Cosmo with tongue depressors. So what would I like to see in a woman’s magazine? How about how to deal with people who won’t stop talking. How to stage an argument with your spouse that leads to the best sex of your marriage? How to politely shut down people who think they know everything. How to look 40 when your 73.

I know what you’re thinking: The answer to questions 1-4:  you can’t. Look at it this way: you just saved $6.99.