Tuesday, December 31, 2013


   TRIO IN B# - No Strings Attached

     Other than Mr. Wonderful and my family, who are the three most important people in my life? Here is a question that only middle of the friggin' night risers would contemplate because the rest of you are enjoying a good night’s rest. When I consider this question from the depths of my Zen, here are the three people without whom I could not survive:

  1. my hair stylist
  2. Ms. Amazon.com
  3. my therapist

     My hair stylist is the most important as on any given day leaving her salon, I come out looking  as glam as my features allow, exhausted from laughing and cleansed from venting. This poor young woman has a job that no man could ever comprehend. She must not only cut, style, color and create magic for her client, she must listen to whoever is on the client’s latest shitlist, what dumb things the woman’s husband did,  what crap the kids have pulled and why she will never again speak to her  sister-in-law in Dubuque.

     Hair stylists should be bronzed when they retire. There should be a Hall of Hair where their photos can be displayed and their patience and incredible dispositions honored. If hair stylists’ spouses knew that clients like me felt like this, they would be more tolerant of the verbal coma in which they find their mates upon arriving home, black color stains under their nails and multi-colored pieces of hair stuck to their shoes. These people are priceless. Anything less than a 35% tip is shameful.

     Ms. Amazon.com is my second favorite person. This woman rules. No matter what my mood, she can send me a book, a movie, a CD or a DVD to cure what ails me. With a few taps on the keys, answers will be on their way in less than 24 hours (if I’m willing to pay the 74% postage premium). The other day, I received a disc from 2003 that has changed my life. I have listened to it at least three times, have taken notes on it, and I plan to deliver  a speech about it next week. I don’t ever have to see or talk to Ms.A. She is faceless and voiceless (a man’s dream), and she will never dispute my choices. I don’t even care if my order totals $3.97, and the postage is $23.46--the result is worth it.

     Finally, wherever I live, I find a good shrink. Shrinks are good for people who have issues. Mine are incurable, but two or three times a year on her couch fixes me up just fine. I find going quarterly keeps me in line. I always know what she is going to say; in fact, I say it all to myself regularly. Hearing her say it, though, validates me, and I’m good for another quarter. It’s like a vitamin B shot or a Cosmo after a three-month drought. Shrinks are much better than BFFs, as BFFs can repeat to others even when they promise not to. I even find that BFFs can change from time to time, and then they walk away with all  your shit in their pockets. We all know where that can end up posted. Shrinks are bound by law not to repeat any of our darkest secrets. I must admit, however, that when I saw mine for the first time at the Symphony one Saturday night, I was a bit squeamish. Now we just smile at each other, knowing that we share some pretty outrageous shit that we could sell to a reality show if we decided to collaborate one day.

Who are the three most important people in your life? Are they loyal and mute? Are they patient, and do they laugh at your lame stories? Are you careful to let them know how important they are to you? If not, it’s not too late. If you don’t have three people that offer these fabulous services, find some immediately. This prescription has side effects, however. People will find you relaxed, cheerful and confident--qualities sure to annoy and provoke suspicion.