Friday, January 17, 2014


                                       Federal Burrow of Indigestion

     When I was around 13, I was an ice cream binger. Yes, it’s true. I would come home from school, haul out those half gallon puppies from the Frigidaire, grab a spoon from the drawer and dig in like I was hunting for gold. In those days, my favorite was Butter Pecan. They were not low-fat brands--these were the real McCoy. After shoving that spoon into my pie hole at a rate of 8 swallows per second, I could put away a half gallon in about 20 minutes. I remember being out of breath. I think this was my first sexual experience. 

    After a three-day stomach ache that caused me to hunch over and squeeze my sphincter muscles when I walked, I would lay off for a few days before starting all over again.

   Now since that time, I have matured. I am no longer a binger; I am a burrower. Somehow I think I’m living on burrowed time. You will notice that the flavor has changed, and I have become much more health-conscious buying only low-fat creamy caramel delight. The burrowing began due to the flavor, as the caramel swirl, I quickly discovered, was right down the center of the carton. It was easy to dig out the tastiest part and leave the boring vanilla to gather fridge crystals. Now that I am much more lithe than in years past, I am careful to burrow only about a half cup before putting the carton away. (I am the only one burrowing in our abode.)

Mr. Wonderful gets very upset with my wastefulness, so after several cartons and annoying freezer burn, I gather all the cartons, empty them and throw the them in the trash when he isn’t looking. :)

I no longer get tummy aches, as I am much more discriminating in my snacking frequency, and I’ve had enough sex that I don’t run out of breath enjoying the luxury of lactose. And because it’s low fat, I stay within my daily calorie allowance, and I only have to wash off the caramel mustache.