Friday, January 31, 2014


                                         Rooms in Your House: Oxymorons?

Living Room:  

For those of you who actually have a “living” room, do you live in there? When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed in the living room. That was a showplace where my mother wanted people to go to impress them with her perfect housekeeping (which she paid a cleaning woman to do) and her terrific interior decorating skills which boasted a sectional where my boyfriend and I would smash-face when she wasn’t home.

In our house, we have a living room and a “family” room. To this day, we don’t “Live” in our living room. NO ONE lives in our living room. It houses our grand piano and gathers dust. The furniture is too perfect, the artwork too valuable, the knicknacks too sentimental--why would we actually go in there much less invite anyone else? We’re thinking of renting it out to the local OCD Club.

Bath Room:

Who actually takes baths anymore unless you have back problems or want to play with your rubber ducky? If you have a tub, it’s probably a jacuzzi that you bought because it was the cool thing to do. I hate our jacuzzi. It gathers scum and shouts at me to clean it every time I enter the room. Now that most newer homes feature a WC (water closet--a closet that offers no water), the bathroom isn’t even for peeing anymore. I guess people go in there to meditate or something.

Powder Room:

This is a fancy term for bathroom. There is no powder in there, and if there was, no one would know what to do with it.

Dining Room:

Who actually dines anymore? Maybe those who live in McMansions in the Hamptons. We use our dining room about four times a year. Another room to catch dust. Many dining rooms have chandeliers. These are large objects which demand dusting and polishing. People are too busy watching the latest episode of Breaking Bad to be rubbing wrought iron or buffing brass. The majority of Americans are dining in front of the boob tube or getting carry-out to eat on their laps. Besides, it’s too quiet in there.

Kitchen:

There is no “room” to this label, so it probably should not be included, but who Kitches in here? I looked up the word in the urban dictionary. Kitch is a slang term meaning to vomit suddenly. Why would anyone go in this room? That’s just wrong.

Bedroom:

Great News:  There are beds in bedrooms. Yay. This entire discussion has worn me out. I’m getting in mine and snuggling up with a moron named “Oxy.” That’s short for oxygen.