Tuesday, January 28, 2014

                         Dov’é Ramona?

Imagine a wealthy priveleged writer living in Rome in a terraced penthouse overlooking the Colosseum. Envision beautiful naked women coming and going from his life and extravagant orgies filling the screen with music and merriment. The Golden Globe’s choice for Film of the Year beckons the curious.

Within the first seven minutes of this film, I knew I was in deep caca. This was going to be the most erotic, outrageous FECKLESS film of the decade, and I was trapped in the last row with no wine or popcorn. 

Plotless is an understatement. If watching depthless characters come and go without a clue what role they play in the life of the protagonist tickles your tatas then go for it. If you like debauchery, coke-sniffing prostitutes and eight-year-old Jackson Pollock wannabes who throw paint at a huge canvas while bawling hysterically, then high-tail it to your local box office now. If you like gum-baring, toothless nuns with wrinkles like a Shar Pei breathlessly crawling up marble steps, then this is your flick.

I am kidding, right? Sorry. This had to be a seven-hour film, and it was il più lento in the world. I was so restless, I started taking off my clothes. I couldn’t sit still, and even the painted pussies didn’t get Mr. Wonderful’s attention. He was sound asleep. I awoke myself a couple of times when I heard people laughing so there must have been something humorous, but people sometimes laugh when they feel like crying. I wanted to scream, “Quel en est le but?” Oops, that’s French for wtf.

What happened to a riveting story that engages the audience and provides entertainment or enlightenment? What happens to talented actors when presented with a script with no meaning? What happened to “It’s a wrap”? I think the film tried to end at least four times, but someone thought we just hadn’t had enough up here in row 79. omg.

Abbastanza already. Abbastanza. Next time I see a Foreign Press winning film, I will tape it and send it to my mother-in-law in Boise.

Acting:  Excellent
Film:     BB af (Bring a Book and a flask)