Friday, January 3, 2014

                                        Found Tatooed in Tiny Font on My Left Cheek

When I dance up the Stairway to Heaven, I will leave parts of myself to those who may not realize they need them. 

  1. I leave my liver spots to Amy Adams. She is just too damned perfect.
  2. I leave my stiletto toes to young women who wear platforms.
  3. I leave my slightly damaged liver to Cosmo cougars.
  4. I leave my perfect 20/20 vision to blind congressmen who can’t see the effects of third- grade bickering.
  5. I leave my perfect hearing to annoying husbands with selective audio.
  6. I leave my resilience to my children.   
  7. I leave my wrinkles to women who brag about their skin at 40.
  8. I leave my perfectly good heart to all women who got theirs broken.
  9. I leave my sexy spleen to the spleenless (what is a spleen anyway?)
  10. I leave my sense of humor to all the toxic naysayers out there.
  11. I leave my quick-thinking mind to men who can’t multi-task.
  12. I leave my tendency to over-react to men who say they never do.
  13. I leave my fear of gaining an ounce to the mental health profession. 
  14. I leave my humility to all the braggerts who have driven me nuts. 
  15. I leave my shrunken stomach to the woman who can’t stop binging.
  16. I leave my musical talent to any of my grandchildren who will nurture it. 
  17. I leave my freckles to perfect Barbie.
  18. I leave the size 2 clothes in my closet with the size 12s and 14s. 
  19. I leave my thick hair to balding women. 
  20. I leave my tiny nose to snoring men
  21. I leave my sincere smile to anyone who is sad. 
  22. I leave my inability to smell to people who think everything in life stinks.
  23. I leave my brain to science so they can figure out how men and women communicate.
  24. I leave my creative genes to all my grandchildren.
  25. I leave my pride to God so He can shred it in his super shredder.
  26. I leave my sphincter muscles to men whose mothers never taught them manners.
  27. I leave my ability to make lists to people who show up for appointments they don’t have.
  28. I leave my resourcefulness to people who haven’t figured out how to benefit from other’s intelligence and tenacity.
  29. I leave my ability to type very fast to two-finger tappers.
  30. I leave my love to all those who never experienced it.
  31. I leave my one chin hair to anyone who thought I was selfish.