Monday, January 27, 2014


THE OLD MAN AND THE BAND-AID

     So there’s this movie whose entire plot revolves around a guy in a sailboat on the open sea. There’s one male actor. This logically implies no sex, no violence, no laughs, no intrigue, no crime. Now I ask you, why would anyone want to watch this? It certainly wouldn’t be my first choice for sex night or kick-back-eat-garbage-food-night. All you’d have to do is watch five minutes of this flick, and you’d be seasick, thus eliminating all intimacy and inviting the great white purge.

     Before purchasing this flick on our On Demand, (who demands this kind of entertainment? retired whale hunters? tired fisher people?) I asked myself, “Why would a famous movie actor and respected director choose this topic and go as far as to star in it too? Is he narcissistic or masochistic? Or maybe he wants to be Ahab in his next life.

     Given the choice between Despicable Me 2, Four Aliens Cavorting in Space and sailboat dude, Mr. Wonderful and I settled on the latter. He was really pushing Despicable Me 2, but I couldn’t get in the mood for minions. About five minutes into the sea, I’m fidgeting, checking my texts and  thinking about what to munch on. Little by little, however, the action begins, and I start to focus. Water begins gushing into the cabin of the boat like a tsunami flooding my underwear drawer. The guy doesn’t even grimace. He casually leaves the helm and walks down into the flooding cabin as though he’s going to take a nap. wtf? I’m beginning to tense up. I even set my cell down. “He can’t drown yet, the movie still has 94 minutes to go,” I say. Mr. Wonderful shushes me and begins babbling something about the jib or the jab or something. I zip it. 

     Forty-five minutes of capsizing, life-boat launching, hurricane wind ripping drama later,
I am completely engrossed in this scintillating saga of man versus wave. I was even expecting five or six sharks to plunge into the yellow tub and eat him alive. But again, there was too much time left, and he was out of band-aids.

     By the end of the film, we were totally exhausted from wringing our hands, hiding under the sex blanket and plugging our ears. As the movie came to a close, it looked like sailor dude was doomed. Can you guess what happened? Clue: It was a Hollywood ending.








Rating:  Actor = Fab
               Film =   SS

Rating Scale: BB (Bring a Book), SS (Scintillating Saga), RR (Riveting Raves)