Monday, February 17, 2014

                                                           BOGUS BRUNCH

     This morning, Mr. Wonderful discovered what he thought was an awesome restaurant here in sunny Florida. He was bound and determined that we should eat brunch there. I was not opposed, but I thought we should scout out some other possibilities. Guess not.

      Heading back there when his tummy began the big growl, we were put at a table in the shade where the temperature was hovering around 30 below. It was sunny, so he thought it was just fine. Fine. Shmine. I asked the woman to bring me a table heater, and  was about to ask for a blanky, but Mr. W. shushed me. (It was  actually 67 degrees with a shade chill of 30) Not happy after tooking at the weird menu, I asked for a cup of “very hot” coffee. Soon, Angie turned into Arthur, and my coffee came out luke warm. (Who the eff is Luke anyway?)

     By this time, I am doing a very slow but significant burn. Passing up the Banana Nutella French Toast at $14/slice, the Smoked Chile Edamame Hummus, crispy feta, lavash crackers at $12, and the Vegan Tuscan Ribolita Soup/cannellini beans at $18, I gave in and resigned myself to the Biscuit and Waffle Bar for $16 per person (sans tax, tip, and “we’re out of those six items”). I approached the Waffle Bar with trepidation. Sure enough, the waffles had been sitting there since last Thursday with a heat lamp over them. Non, Merci. There is no “Artisan Cheese selection,” as the large party who took the only sunlit table on the patio ate it all. The fried chicken pieces were the size of a gnat, but the granola looked good. It was good, but there was no milk, so I just heaped a pile of fruit shit on top and ate it like a trooper. What trooper eats fruit anyway?

     When the bill came, I didn’t offer to pay, as I was trying to digest a meal that couldn’t decide if it was breakfast, lunch or last week’s leftovers. My body language made it perfectly clear that Mr. W. had screwed up, and it was his to settle. He said, “Are you upset?” “Who me? Nah. I’m fine.”

     The bill was almost $50. He’s having Campbells soup for dinner. I’m on my second glass of Sauvignon Blanc.