Tuesday, February 11, 2014

                                                              POLITE SUCKS     

     I often marvel at how much time people spend listening to recipes they never intend to try, directions to locations they never plan to visit, entrée specials that make them gag and stories that seem to have no ending or point. I’ve concluded that I am too polite, and I need to come up with a kind way of saying, “I really don’t give a damn.” 

    Yesterday, we were having breakfast at our B & B when a woman began telling us about a sailing excursion she and her husband enjoyed. We have no intention of ever taking this trip, but because we are Mr. and Mrs. Polite, we listened attentively. The lady went on and on about the box lunch, the blue sky, the captain’s hilarious pirate stories, the clean restrooms and the nice couple they met from Iowa. Mr. Wonderful, being even more polite than moi, just had to ask a question. This is rule number one: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask questions when you are already uninterested and bored. duh. This simply gave the woman license to go off on a ten-minute tangent about the ship’s history. ugh. 

    People also get stuck in this situation at restaurants when the wait person launches into the daily specials. What really annoys me is the introduction, “This is my all-time favorite. I just love it!” What do we care what this person loves? We don’t even know her? We love the purple-snouted platypus, but we’re not asking her to pet one! Anyway, she stands up tall to recite her schtick about the entrée of the day. “The chef has prepared a short-rib that he has slow-cooked for twelve days. He has added to this some fish scales, a quarter pound of garlic and some hummus balls. He is offering it this evening accompanied by a side of cheese grits and a tomato slice.” Boy, we sure can’t wait to try this. The young woman is so proud that she has remembered her whole spiel in one breath that she has to reach down and touch her toes to restore her oxygen. I say, “I’ll just have the burger and fries, please. Hold the gristle.”

     Sometimes when people are telling us about a restaurant they frequent because the food is so good, but “there is no ambiance,” I have already tuned out before realizing that they are going to do a New York Times restaurant review complete with specific directions. I just want to give them the time out sign, but Mr. Wonderful has already politely smiled encouraging them to take the stage for their sililoquy. I have never eaten at a restaurant just because the food was good. Who does that? If there’s no ambiance, I might as well cook a filet and eat it in the laundry room. 

   In France, they say, “A chacun son goût.” To each his own. My own is my own, and I make it a practice not to force it on anyone else. hello.