Sunday, April 20, 2014


                                SELLING OUR HOME - Part I of III                       

     If you have never experienced acute anxiety and paralyzing stress, then you have not tried to sell a house. Selling your home is right up there with writing a doctoral thesis or prepping for a colonoscopy.

     The first hurdle is “sticker shock.” The price that your agent quotes to list your house will send you searching for that bottle of vodka you were saving for the discovery of your first gray hair.

    Forget about what you paid for the house. Forget about how much you “have into” the house. Forget about what you “need” from the sale---all that is past history and/or irrelevant. Don’t even consider that your $7500 hot tub is going to add to the value--forgetaboudit! The bottom line is: your house will undoubtedly be listed for several thousand dollars less than what you expected. This is Stage One-Shock Stress. This translates to: the house you intended to buy in that upscale development in Naples or Palo Alto just cost you $126,391.22 more. There is no “sharpen-the-pencil” cure here. You might as well just suck it up and fly out to the “Cannabis Cup,” and inhale your sorrows.

     I worry about the accuracy of our listing too. After reading a few like these below recently, I think we’ll check out the typing skills of the realtor’s office help:

    “. . . large walking closet. . . "
     “custom bitch cabinets. . . “
    “. . . visually appalling home. . . “
    “with large heated poo in backyard.”
    “Nice home with three bedrooms, fireplace, updated kitchen and huge dick for entertaining.” 

     I spent a couple of hours producing a Spread Shit to get a visual on how much we can afford for our new home. See Figure A below:

                                    Figure A:   SPREAD "SHEET

Sale Price of House             What we can Afford to buy              Mortgage 

$!,000,000                                          $200,000                   $197,438

$500,000                                            $150,000                   $149,999

$250,000                                            $50,000                  Can’t qualify

      Oh, my.

     Three realtors will arrive next week with the fate of our future in their Bic Rollers. We are holding our breath--Smirnoff poised.

*Stay tuned for Part II