Saturday, June 7, 2014



          Hello, my name is The Queen. (“The” is part of my name.) I am seeking a set of parents whom I can train to improve my life. They need to be willing to learn, able to wake up at whatever time I deem necessary and take me for my morning walk. They can’t be coffee drinkers or cocktail toters, as I have been burned and slimed by such liquid in the past, and I don’t care to relive the experience. They need to be kind and affectionate and never take out their marital conflicts on my hiney. I don’t appreciate being kicked or “swatted” (a pet owner’s polite term for smacking), and I expect to have meals ready at my designated time. The food has to be healthy and tasty, and I don’t want any leftovers.The water dish should bear my name and should be kept clean at all times.

     In the evenings, I prefer to sit quietly and watch my own programs, so the remote will have to be shared. I don’t care for golf; it puts me to sleep, and hockey is way too bloody, so appropriate channels should be paid for monthly.

     When they have company, I refuse to be shut in another room because some moron has allergies to my fur. If that is the case, he should not be on the guest list. I am part of the family--hello.

     I expect to be taken on all vacations. No kennels, pet spas (what the?), nasty cousins’ homes or neighbors’ dog houses for this lady. Nope. I will accompany the family and take part in the fun.  A blanket and sufficient food should be packed in a convenient place so I can eat or drink at my leisure.

     Finally, let’s get this straight. I don’t do tricks. THEY DO. They will run and jump and sit up and fetch whenever I say so--no tantrums.  I am available to conduct interviews on week-ends only between 5 and 7 p.m. 

the Queen