Sunday, July 20, 2014


What’s with pictures? Do you have friends who whip out their cells to show you ten of the last photos of their mangy pets or pint-sized children? That’s bad enough, but when you want to show them one measley photo of you in your new bikini, they look for one second and change the subject. What is that? 

What’s with the one-up? When I was thirty, my friends were climbing the corporate ladders. There were no ceilings, much less glass ones, and everyone was working their asses off. The trend then was to brag about a big raise or a new title or a much-wanted pregnancy. Fast forward forty years. Aren’t we over it? Nope, not a chance. Some people are one-upping on cruise ships, grandchildren, cholesterol counts and good genes. wft?

What’s with the real estate market? People don’t care anymore if you have a custom home. They don’t care that you have the best view on the block. They don’t give a damn about closets, cubbies, storage cabinets, garages, wine cellars. All they want to know is the price per square foot. Whaaat? Why don’t they just go buy a foreclosed concert hall?

What’s with pets? We know people in their eighties who are getting pets? Aren’t they pets themselves by now? Who wants to train some mongrel they saved from a tsunami to impress one’s friends? Why would they want to go pick up poo when they can barely get out of bed? Unconditional love. Hmm. What channel was that Humane Society program on?

No one has a landline anymore. No one, except us. The cord to our landline stretches from here to Nebraska. Mr. Wonderful thinks because it’s all neatly folded behind the receiver (does anyone even know what that is?), it’s not unsightly. Well, guess what. It is, and I hate it. Why do we keep it? It’s bundled. Bundled means if we get rid of the landline, we lose our refrigerator, stereo and sex toys. Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Glamourpuss. No, we already gave at someone’s office. Bundle schmundle.

Defining “Status” these days includes what you DON’T have as well as what you do.
Here are things you don’t want to claim:
  1. landline (all right already)
  2. shag carpet
  3. cassette recorder
  4. radio
  5. i-pod
  6. recliner with viewable handle
  7. dried flowers
  8. TV tables
  9. car keys
  10. milk shoot

So do your guests really check to see if you dusted before your dinner party? Do they run their fingers along the baseboards to see if they’re pristine (like my mother said they would. Hah, she paid to have hers done.) Do they look in your shower to check the scum level? Do they look at your glass tables to be sure there are no streaks? Do they look behind your toaster when you’re small talking to someone else to see if you wiped up the toast crumbs from last Wednesday? If they do all these things, why on earth would you ever invite these people to your home?