Saturday, August 23, 2014

A South Carolina woman was arrested Monday after allegedly hitting a man she said “passed gas” in her face.
Jessica Cerney, 33, told police that 64-year-old Darrell McKnight came home drunk at about 7:45 p.m. and farted on her visage while she was lying on the couch, according to documents obtained by The Smoking Gun. Furious about the blast, Cerney left the house, but says McKnight followed her outside.
An argument ensued that allegedly resulted in McKnight approaching her in a “threatening manner,” and Cerney allegedly punching McKnight in the face three times.
McKnight was taken to a hospital for a swollen eye, while Cerney was not injured, according to WBTW.
Both people were charged with disorderly conduct fighting.

I am not sure which is more shocking: a man farting in a woman’s face or the fact that this made national news. Are you effen kidding me? It begs the question: is this more uplifting than reading about war casualties? This woman obviously felt that she was being attacked. At some level, I can relate.

When little boys are raised, their mommies must teach them that it is normal and fitting to pass gas whenever and wherever. I didn’t think the rule applied to “on whomever,” but over the many years of living with men, I’m not so sure. How can we fault clueless children? It is the mothers who were to blame. Little girls, at least in my day, were taught that this natural biological event was to be done in private and there was a certain amount of shame attached to it. The thought of allowing this to happen in public was unheard of, and heaven help us if there was any sound involved. 

In my family, my father announced “the latest report” with abandon. My sister and I would groan and run to another room. My mother just laughed. In my experience with men, I have discovered that not only is the event considered a non-event, it has become a source of great hilarity. (I do not find it the least bit amusing.)

Some men (I won’t mention any names, of course) choose to actually lift one cheek as though they feel that if they don’t, it may go back to its source and come out the other end. Some men choose to release their joy in closed vehicles or under freshly-washed sheets. Some women have been known to open car windows and shout at the tops of their lungs, “He FAHHHHHHHRTED!” This is not well-viewed in upscale communities. 

For those who have pets, I sympathize, as most men will blame the lab rather than take responsibility for his actions. Just once, I’d like to see some dog walk up to his master when accused and just let it rip right in his face. Based on the above story, however, this could turn nasty and they could both end up accused of methane madness. This would result in man and his best friend polluting our jails and poisoning their cell mates. Just sayin’.