Sunday, August 17, 2014


     I hate it when I make profound statements about things, and ten years later, someone else comes up with my idea and makes it all happen. 

     The newest discovery is from the voices of golfers who claim that after playing 18 grueling in-the-sand, in-the-water, out-of-bounds, no-mulligan-rule holes, it wasn’t really that much fun. Hello. As a result, some brilliant entrepreneur has figured out how to make the game more entertaining. Picture this:  golfers walking off the course laughing, baring blistered thumbs, clicking their heels in the air yelling,”Now that was a great time!” 

     Here are some new innovations proposed for the sport:

  1. Increase the size of the hole to approximately 15 inches.
  2. Use a soccer ball instead of a golf ball.
  3. Throw frisbees (this is already being done-disc golf).
  4. Kick the ball instead of using clubs.
  5. Decrease the number of holes to 12.
  6. Install an all-weather bar between the third and fourth holes. This is my idea inspired by my best round of golf ever when I was so intoxicated that I couldn’t get my head up, so my 8 iron won my team the trophy.

     Apparently, the number of golfers is decreasing because younger people don’t have the time, companies are no longer footing the country club bill, enlightened 30-somethings want to have fun when they’re not at work (hello), and you can’t text and putt at the same time. 

     Assuming that these changes occur, imagine the following:

  1. Tiger Woods hitting a hole in one with a soccer ball.
  2. McCrory getting swallowed up on a one-putt.
  3. Mikelson falling off a bar stool and tossing the frisbee closest to the crater.
  4. Jack Nicklaus throwing a tantrum on the 12th hole because they ran out of gin.
  5. LPGA disqualifying players for kicking in stilettos.

      How about plum golf? They could move the plum along with a Swiffer, and when they got to the hole, they could quickly eat the plum, and spit the pit into the hole. Now there’s a concept. Just sayin’.