Thursday, October 30, 2014

LIVING WITH ANOTHER PERSON IN THE 21st CENTURY

The Big Guy may have created us, but I don’t think he put a lot of thought into two humans living together for more than enough time to create offspring (however long that may take--another subject). Living together fifty years ago is much different than cohabitating in the age of Technology.

There are certain guidelines that should be met so that spouses do not murder each other. Actually, if you ever wanted to feel as though you wanted to murder someone, living together would be a good apprenticeship. Here are some guidelines I have set forth for posterity. This is not to imply that they are followed, but in a perfect world (21st century only) it would look like this:

Chores:  Man does all.

Remote:  Woman has total control.

Social Plans:  Woman in charge.

Outdoor Maintenance:  Man only.

Repairs:  Man only.

Finances:  Man supplies funds, woman spends.

Parenting:  Man relieves woman whenever asked.

Groceries:  Woman’s job.

Sex:  Up to Big Guy.

Conflicts:  Man owns shit.

Investments:  Man supplies money. Hires expert.

Technology:  Each spouse has a computer, Ipod, I-phone. Man fixes wife’s if not working.

Vacations:  Man supplies funds. Woman plans trip. Couple enjoys.

Credit cards:  Man supplies funds. Woman spends.

Schlepping:  Man’s job.

Errands:  Woman makes list. Man does.

Compatibility:  Man compliments woman frequently and sincerely. Woman tells him he’s hot.

Garbage:  Couple makes. Man disposes.

Movies:  Woman decides. Man goes. Man pays for Junior Mints.

Sports:  Man plays with men. Woman plays with women. Man plays with woman when invited.

Compromise:  Man gives 75%.

Alcohol:  Man buys. Woman drinks.

Cooking:  Woman cooks when in the mood.  Man smiles.

Romance:  Man sets stage, woos wife. Wife decides if she has a headache.

Newspaper:  Man shares front page with woman and doesn’t spread entire section all over breakfast table.

Idiosyncracies:  Man apologizes often.