Friday, October 31, 2014

                       Living With Another Person in the 21st Century (update 2014)

After living with another person (Mr. Wonderful) for two more years after writing this essay, I have discovered some new guidelines for living in the perfect two-person world.
The fact that I have now accepted being “of a certain age” has something to do with my perspective. 

Updated Guidelines:

Outdoor Maintenance:  Man hires company to manage, and woman revels in no grass or leaves on white carpet.

Sex:  Can’t remember.

Conflicts:  Man responsible for all shit. He owns. Woman smiles and shops.

Groceries:  No need. Local restaurants know us by our nicknames.

Investments:  In what? for what? so what?

Social Plans:  Can’t remember.

Technology:  Man deals with all issues, especially calls to India.

Finances:  Can’t look. Makes us both cry.

Garbage:  Ask George Carlin.

Sports:  He watches on his own TV. I love it when one guy throws the football, and the other guy catches it.

Newspaper:  There are none.

Alcohol:  Thank the Lord.

Movies:  $15 for a movie is dumb. We can stay home and watch for free and spend $15 on sex toys.

Romance:  What’s that?

Cooking:  You must be kidding. Who does this?

Chores:  Ask Molly Maid.