Sunday, December 14, 2014

     I’ve been invited to an ugly holiday sweater party. UGH. How on earth am I going to find an ugly sweater when everywhere I turn, someone is wearing one. And who decides what’s ugly? Is ugly the same is inappropriate? If so, no problem. I got that one covered. Is ugly the same as revealing too much? No issue here. Is ugly something that fits too tight? Got an entire wardrobe of that. But ugly like too much chatch all over the front and back? Hmm. Ain’t got that one. I saw some walking into Walmart today, but I wasn’t about to go up to some old lady and say, “Excuse me, that is the ugliest sweater I have ever seen. Could I borrow it for a couple of hours tomorrow night?” My friend who invited me to this party said, “Oh, Sandy, just go buy some ugly buttons and ornaments and sew them all over an old sweater.” Yeah, right. First of all, I don’t own a needle or thread, and secondly I don’t wear sweaters. Furthermore, I don’t have three hours to sit around sewing shiny buttons on shit. I’ve got eggs to nog and pudding to fig, for heavens sake.

     At church this morning, the pastor asked us all the question of the day: Are you made for joy? I answered politely from my poo, oops pew, “You betcha.” I guess it was supposed to be one of those "oratorical" questions, but alas, I answered it anyway. The lady next to me gave me a dirty look, but what can one expect from someone wearing a sweater with dear hooves and Santa faces? I muttered under my breath,”Let it go, lady. Jesus is watching.” 

     Then the pastor asked if we had all decorated our homes for the holiday. She told of George Goebel comparing his home’s outdoor decor to his neighbor, Lou Costello’s, years ago. Apparently Lou really got into it every year, and had everything from snowmen to flashing lights to tinsel covered oak trees. George put up a sign on his front lawn that read, “See our Christmas display across the street.” Good thinking, George. I can just picture him in a cashmere V-neck with elves all over it.

   Tonight we went to a Christmas concert where I saw at least a dozen ugly holiday sweaters. As the concert was in a local church, I didn’t think Jesus would look favorably on my accosting some old lady and begging for her sweater, so I restrained myself. My friend told me at the concert that some of the women were not even going to wear an ugly sweater to the ugly sweater party. “What?” I asked. “That’s not fair. If I have to suffer so does everyone else.” I guess that was kind of catty. Oh, btw, I found this on the internet, and I’m contemplating a creative tee-shirt that might work.I thought I'd pair it with a black garter belt, a sequined mini skirt and four-inch stilettos. What do you think?