Saturday, January 24, 2015

     Imagine a world without commercials. The amount of television viewing would be cut by at least 50-70%. This means that for those of us fools who don’t record every program we watch, we would actually remember what happens between the red-lipped irritating Progressive bitch and the totally annoying lyrics of over-the-hill Kenny Rogers. 

     Mr. Wonderful would not moan and groan about the advertising executives being on crack, and I would not have to watch a woman leaking while I’m drinking my water with lemon at dinner. 

     We would miss the geico who makes us smile, but we would applaud the lack of scruffy-faced used-car salesmen and catsup-encrusted idiots eating the $5 bag of fast-food heart attack. 

     I would not shed any more tears at the curly Cheerios cherub pouring little “o”s on her Daddy’s chest. I would not have to imagine Rob Lowe looking like a total moron pushing--I-can’t-remember-what. 

     We would not have to continually adjust the volume on the remote as the commercials blare at 400 decibels while we’re waiting for Brian William’s happy news wrap-up.

     Most of our enlightened friends think our feckless way of entertaining ourselves is even more ridiculous than the ads we watch. They’re probably right, but we’re too busy taking our naps to remember to record the programs of the week. That’s assuming the recording mechanism isn’t malfunctioning and leaving us expelling expletives when the damn program freezes right before the climax. 

    What I occasionally wonder is where they find these actors whom they claim “are real people.” If these are real people, they must be desperate for a buck. The mahogany-desk high honchos must love hiring the has-beens like Robert Wagner, George Foreman and Henry Winkler whose Happy Days have long passed. These actors must be thrilled with the raise of the minimum wage. 

   What really irritates us most is the quantity of pharmaceuticals that constantly remind of us what part of our body will fall apart next. They have discovered parts of the body we didn’t even know we had. If the body part is healthy, the product will help us keep it that way. The downside is that the side effects will cause so many problems that you will forget the body part you were trying to protect. There are not enough shelves in most peoples’ bathrooms to store all the drugs recommended. The term drug-free is a joke. There are no “free” drugs. I know because a black sheep family member has become a millionaire selling them to unsuspecting, uninformed citizens. 

     I guess it’s time to give up some zzzzs and record all programs, but then you have to have the clicker in your hand every minute, and this prevents me from twirling my curls and texting my grandchildren. Ah, the sacrifices we must make. I think it’s just easier to read a book. Right now, though, I’m so exhausted writing all this, I need a nap.