Thursday, January 22, 2015

     I am being shoe-stalked. No matter what document I open, what program I access, there are beautiful shoes (usually on sale) staring at me from the screen. They are calling out to me, “Fifi,you can’t pass this one up. Order now!” In the past, I have passed up opportunities to satisfy my shoe fetish because I was following the Susie Orman evil dictate differentiating “want” from “need.” (She probably couldn’t walk in my shoes.) After I was strong and didn’t purchase whatever beauties were calling, I went back at a later date, and they were either sold out or not available in my size. 

     Now it really doesn’t matter how many pairs of shoes I have. Men always joke with each other growling, “She’s got more shoes than Bill Cosby has excuses.” Quantity is not the issue; it’s the crime of the unnecessary purchase. “Not necessary” to a man means he doesn’t want to pay for it/them. As I pay for all my own clothing and shoes, Mr. Wonderful can’t open his pie hole one tiny crack. This has nothing to do with my shoe stalking dilemma, however.

     All the women reading this know that once you “click” on any piece of clothing, the retail-police-app sucks that tiny tap into a cyber-bunny cage where it multiplies and sends out its offspring to every site you access. If you are looking for information on tax reform, up pops a Vince Camuto bootie. If you are looking for the latest weather report, a neon stiletto pops up. If you are checking a recent email to confirm a lunch date, up pops those fabulous denim wedgies--now 70% off. Oh, my.

     I remember when I had my own business years ago, the “How-To-Sell-Shit-for-Dummies” manual said, one shot won’t cut it. You have to keep sending your message over and over until the client is worn down and buys just to get rid of you. (Kind of like how I get Mr. Wonderful to hang pictures.)

    In 2014, I only purchased 13 pairs of shoes. This year, I just know I will break that record. Understand, however, that with all the sales and coupons applied, I saved much more than I spent. I don’t get why he rolls his eyes when I say that.

****Only 2372 views left until I reach my goal. Please share any essays you particularly enjoy. LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS; SPREAD THE VIRUS!!