Saturday, February 21, 2015

     Friday night, we went to a formal Gala at an exclusive country club. The occasion was to celebrate Mardi Gras. We were all to wear masks. At my age, my face is a mask, but regardless, I dragged my frost-bitten ass to the nearest Dollar Store to find said accessory. Success:  one feather mask, one pair of glitter glasses the same green as my gown and a few corny beads to bounce on my baby cleavage.

     The gown I wore had no back, so the narrow straps holding it up were at the mercy of whatever gesture I dared to make. As I had a new fox-trimmed leather coat to wear (an 80s gift I bought myself when I turned ---never mind), I visited with a few guests to show it off a bit. I probably talked to at least seven or eight people before going back out to the lobby for the couples photo shoot. I know, it’s like old-fart prom, but we love it.

     I am feeling quite glam by now, as my savvy, chic friends loved the coat and told me how smashing it looked. As I went to take the coat off to have our photo taken, I looked down, and staring back at me were my two perky tatas all white and cheerful. omg. I quickly pulled up the straps of the dress trying to keep my hysteria in check while the nice old guy snapped our picture. Mr. Wonderful couldn’t figure out why I kept letting out little giggle squeals on the way to the coat check. I filled him in, and instead of laughing about it, he began the drooling thing again. Oh, my.

     All I could think of was whether the little guys were peeping out of my fur trim while I was spitting out witticisms around the ballroom. If the coat was closed while I was gesturing (highly doubt it), I was safe. If not, oh, Lord, what must those people think? What made it even worse was the -14 below temps that had ushered us in the door. We all know what that does, girlfriends. Right?

     The good thing about life’s most embarrassing moments is that sometimes we are totally unconscious that they are occurring. I knew I should have used the henna “wtf” tatoo.