Saturday, February 7, 2015


                                                I Will Definitely Outlive My Money

     Are you effen kidding me? Outlive my money? Every week, I get closer and closer. Actually, I got at least four years closer the other day, and I accomplished this at the grocery store. Yup--the grocery store. Eating “organically” can put me right up there in the “you-have-two-years-to-outlive-your-money” category. Strawberries were $5.95 a pint, and six celery sticks were on sale for $8.79 with a coupon.

     The Mall plays its role in the demise of women’s life-savings, and the new film, “Fifty Shades of Gray” has set Mr. W. and I back $203.11. All this just to prove that we still have “it” going on--whatever “it” is. 

     The never-ending battle for women to be sensuous, beautiful, young, vibrant and weighing in under 110 is costly. This month, for example, I bought two push-up bras, three pairs of caged booties, four thongs, an ex-foliating gizmo to take four layers of skin off my face and a one-piece bathing suit (guess which one) with a peephole (guess where). 

     The hair salon is another financial security guzzler. How curly or bouncy my locks are today will mean nothing five years from now, but the bill can be mind-boggling. The hair follicle investment is a given. There is no negotiating when it comes to a woman’s hair. If the tint, cut, style, blow-out runs over $300, so be it. The hair draws the eye upward away from whatever flaws a woman feels she needs to hide (sad). I always bought eye-catching earrings to keep people from staring at my muffin top. A male dinner guest at our home once asked me to take off my earrings because he couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying. (Like he was really listening. Sure.)

     The biggest financial drain for women over 50 today takes place in the office of plastic surgeons and dermatologists. If we’re lucky, there might be a “special” offering $50 off six syringes of Botox. (One syringe is $127). Like fifty bucks is really going to help. If we want to endure a facial “tune-up,” we’re looking at numbers over $10,000. Some of us could be down to six months before “end-of-money” at the age of 57. For those of you math whizzes, do not calculate anything above. I am a musician.

     What’s the answer? Hide under your bed.