Saturday, February 21, 2015

                                            Crepe Suzette

     Erase crepey skin? Yup, erase it. Quelle coincidence:  it’s called Crepe Erase. Who knew? It’s a product being promoted by Jane Seymour, a beautiful 63-year-old billionaire who has nothing better to do than sell shit on TV. She got bored posing in her bikini on the beach. Actually, I find her lovely, and that’s the rub. If she looks this good at the age of 63, maybe this stuff works. There are testimonials from women of all ages, but the killer for me is the 40-somethings who say this product has changed their lives. Forty-something? Really? At forty, you’ve just passed puberty. There’s no effen way you have crepe, and if you do, there ain’t no cream gonna erase it. That came from your great great grand-father’s genes, and it’s irreversible. 

Now you talk about crepe--I am the Queen of Crepe. They don’t call me “Suzette” for nothing. I had almost no crepe until two years ago. At age 69, I looked down one day, and all I could see was crepe:  crepe legs, crepe arms, crepe knees, crepe cleavage. Holy crepe! Where did it come from. One day it’s not there, and the next day you’re covered with it. It’s like chickenpox. Unlike childhood diseases,however, there is no cure. You can’t scratch it away, peel it away, rub it away--it ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Now, I admit, I did listen to almost 15 minutes of the schtick. I thought to myself, (as most gullible TV infomercial viewers) “Maybe this stuff really works. Nah. Well, I am desperate. What can $59.95 hurt if it does any good at all?” Then I wake up and say, “Yeah. That’s how they hook you and reel you in. You’re desperate.” 

They even featured such famous stars as Dorothy Hamill. Dorothy Hamill? She couldn’t get the haircut right; how can she talk about such crepe. Pahleeeze.

So, back to the blog board. As I watch my liver-spotted hands on the keyboard and see that my thumbs are crepe-infested, I roll my eyes, pull up my pride and write, “This crepe has gone far enough.”

This is not a turtle; it is a hand:)