Monday, March 2, 2015



     Like Jim Gaffigan who prides himself on being  a “clean” comedian, I am a “clean” blogger/humorist. He says he never really planned it that way, nor did I. I would be 100 times more funny if I could just drop an F bomb occasionally or use the “s” word like George Carlin. George was one of the funniest comics I ever heard. He knew the universal truth:It’s all bullshit.” Don’t get smug. It doesn’t count if you’re quoting.

     Just think of all the hilarious comics you’ve ever heard. How many of them would you label “clean.” Imagine a routine by Lewis Black or Joan Rivers (R.I.P.) without an expletive. That would be like watching a burlesque show in a fog. 

     Laughter is such a subjective thing. I have been a keen laughter observer for the past five years, and I’m here to tell you people are laughing about shit that is totally not funny--not funny at all. They are laughing at things like “How do you like the snow?” “My dog slept in this morning.” “Boy, I’m tired today.” People laugh when they’re nervous or when they feel sorry for you. So, I’ve decided that I need to find a whole audience of kind souls who feel sorry for me and are often nervous, and I will bring down the effen house.

     I am in the process of preparing a long monologue, and I need some humor. The topic is far from funny, but if I just talk all that time, they will be asleep by my third preposition. So I’ve learned that if you can’t say something funny, do something stupid. I have a PhD in stupid. After describing the childhood of the person I’m describing, for example, I could sit down on the floor in the cobra position and just wait for people to start giggling. Or, I could just stick a piece of Double Bubble in my mouth and blow a huge bubble. That would throw them.

     Humor is like art; some like it primitive, some like it colorful, others like it abstract, and some haven’t got an effen clue what any of it means, so they laugh at everything.

     We know a couple of people with whom you cannot have a conversation because they take whatever you say and try to make a joke out of it. This is a feckless habit, and I strongly recommend against it. Wtf. I am not a straight man; I am trying talk to you. Hello. 

     Most people should not tell jokes. When someone is going to tell me a joke, I excuse myself and head for the loo. Stories are as bad, if not worse. When someone says, “I have a story to tell you,” I take that to mean “I’m going to be bored and expected to chuckle, and this sucks.” Btw, did I tell you about the time that. . .