Wednesday, April 8, 2015


     I’m trying to learn how to meditate. If you could be a fly on the wall, you would be flapping your wings hysterically in fly-laughter. 

Step 1:  Put on disc. Walk slowly to tiny boom box. Put disc gently on machine. Walk slowly back to old leather chair. Sit with palms facing the heavens, and wait for man to whisper directions in a voice that sounds like he’s got potatoes stuck in his larynx. 

Step 2:  Listen to first direction. “Clear mind.” Fat chance. Thoughts are flying through my brain like, “This isn’t going to work,” “I need to give this a try. . . I will try,” “I have to hurry up and do this meditation because I have other things on my To Do list waiting.”

Step 3:  Be comforted by man’s advice: “Your mind is probably racing with many other thoughts.” No shit.

Step 4:  Continue listening to man. “Every time you chase away a random thought, you are becoming aware.” Joy. I’m getting uptight waiting for all these thoughts to disappear so I can meditate and get on with my day.

Step 5:  Continue listening. Man says, ‘You don’t want to fall asleep; you want to fall awake.” What?

Step 6:  Turn off disc. Look for refund slip. Check off “Meditate” on To Do list. Put sad face next to item.