Thursday, June 25, 2015

SEX after Seventy


     Now most of you reading this are only doing so to be polite. Who under sixty even cares who does what after 70? But since you have indulged said writer, I will deliver the goods (or goodies:) I have done some pick-up-on-random-throwaway-comments research on this subject.

     Sex after seventy ain’t for sissies. Many people have physical ailments at this age, none of which have to do with their sex organs necessarily. If a person has back issues, positions become an issue. Number 42, “the pretzel” becomes a major challenge. If a person has knee issues, then number 18 tends to lose its growl. 

     Memory becomes more and more of an issue as people age. Some can’t remember which night has been designated to do the “dirty,” and others can’t remember what the “dirty” is. Some remember what it is and what night it’s supposed to be, but they can’t remember what to wear or what’s where. Some have lost their hardware. 

     Sleep becomes an issue for the elderly; that is, some people can’t sleep. Tired becomes the norm, and energy is a word that is used only for Duke. This can be a problem if the condition is not shared by both people. For example, if one person is rarin’ to go, and the other is half asleep, the whole process gets tedious. 

     Foreplay becomes a thing of the past. Some don’t have the energy, while others don’t have the patience. Some seniors’ idea of foreplay is lighting the sex wick or turning down the bed. Oh yes, most over seventy prefer a bed. For some, this is a novel concept, and according to recent surveys, most miss their favorite spots: the floor, the back seat, the kitchen table or the hammock. 

   Taking the time and effort to set the mood becomes too much trouble. A romantic dinner out becomes applesauce and a half glass of wine. A sexy video becomes a Frank Sinatra cassette tape. The lingerie got sent to the Goodwill. Some homeless woman is trotting around the shelter in it getting her cup filled (soup cup).

     Finally, daylight sex is out of the question. First of all, most 70-somethings don’t want the other to see them too clearly, assuming they can still see. Secondly, nap time usually interferes with the sex hour, and thirdly, “Afternoon Delight” and “Quickie” are recipes in the senior cookbook. 

    Now not all seventy-year-olds have the above issues. Some of us are still virile, sexy, hot and horny.  We know because a couple of our friends just got arrested in their convertible on the 18th hole.