Monday, September 21, 2015

Nothing is funny today. Today is a NOT FUNNY day. I refuse to laugh, smile or smirk. I will simply frown and pout. This is a frown and pout day. I will get and the F and P out of my system so the funny can resurface. I will do an F and P purge. Sometimes, you just have to wallow in the wicked.

Wicked thoughts consume me. I want to rebel against all the rules I hold sacred. I want to leave the covers of the bed strewn (is that a word) all across the Temperpedic. I hate the Temperpedic. It leaves an impression of my body in the mattress. To add insult to injury, it even shows my muffin top. 

I will go without a shower for the entire day and let my hair hang in my naked eyes. I will leave the make-up in the drawer and face the world ugly. 

I will leave all the dishes in the sink from morning till night and see if a bolt of lightning strikes the scummy.

I will plan an entire day of doing nothing productive. No projects, no reading, writing, cooking, cleaning, organizing. I will forget appointments--just not show up. I will drive my car down Market Street and not signal once. I will talk on my phone and pet my human-sized dog in the passenger seat while I pass on the right. (Oh, I don’t have a large dog, so I will find a blow-up Boxer). 

I will not return any calls or e-mails, and I will wear clothes that don’t match and proudly ride my bike on the walking path at the park. I will dare someone to tell me I’ve broken a rule.

I will not answer when someone talks to me, and I will leave my mismatched clothes on the floor in a heap.

I will not use my electric toothbrush, and I will only floss my top teeth. 

I will turn up my music as loud as I can, and I will ignore the vegetable drawer that is taking on a life of its own.

I will put an extra shot of vodka in my Cosmo at 7:00 p.m. and watch Vanna White (the beautiful bitch) before falling asleep in his chair.

Ah, the wonder of the wicked. Just for today, it will feel so good.