Friday, October 16, 2015

Dear Mom:

I am sorry I haven’t written lately. What’s going on up there? Have you been dancing with Daddy lately? Do they have Cosmos there? I love Cosmos.

I thought you’d like to catch up on what’s trending here on earth. You will be shocked at some of the things on my list below. As you are beyond cardiac arrest or PTSD, I thought you'll be able to handle this weird state of affairs. 

October, 2015 list

Kale :(

  1. dirty sneakers are in - You buy them new at well over $100 a pair, and then you strut around thinking you look cool because the dirt was already there when you bought them
  2. saying the rudest things you can about your fellow Presidential candidates is in - the world is numb to insult
  3. kale is cool (ugh)
  4. mashed potatoes are socially unacceptable
  5. no one wants a house with cozy rooms—-it’s all about the “open floor plan”
  6. I am the only woman over 30 in the southeast who wears stilettos
  7. girdles are out
  8. kids don’t know what typewriters are—-all typing is done with thumbs
  9. “phubbing” is running rampant (tapping on a phone the size of a compact and ignoring your spouse)
  10. children’s birthday parties are not cool unless parents have hired a circus, a stand-up kid’s comic or provided ponies for each kid
  11. if you have a bad knee or hip, you just pay a billion dollars to your doctor, and you get a new one
  12. Cadillacs are passé—it’s all about a car the size of a large dog
  13. 13-year-olds lie awake in the middle of the night sending evil messages to their friends on tiny hand-held devices that are killing their brain cells
  14. soon there will be only one beer company in the world
  15. Jacobsons and Detroit are closed
  16. the “in” travel destinations require bullet-proof vests
  17. diets are out
18. plastic purses are only seen at resale shops
19. no one spanks children anymore - if you look at them cross-eyed, you will be jailed
20. hot dogs at the ball park are over $5 apiece

I’ll be in touch, Mom. I still don’t own an apron. You brought up smart stuff.

Your humble daughter #1

P.S.  Would you believe Jane Fonda still looks fab at 77?