Wednesday, October 21, 2015


                      First effort at "Humorous" Speech-Should I Stick To My Day Job?

     The funniest thing about me trying to give a humorous speech is me trying to give a humorous speech. I am not funny. Nothing I say or do is funny, although my friends would call me hilarious. Maybe this means that if I give a totally serious speech, you’ll all laugh, and then I will get credit in the damn manual. Or maybe not. I will now tell a story after which I will ask you to applaud if you think it’s funny. We will look at the applausometer, and you will learn whether my hypothesis is correct. For those who don’t know what an hypothesis is, it’s conjecture. If you aren’t sure what conjecture means, the dictionary will tell you it means to hypothesize. There you have it. Vocabulary 101. Moving on to my story.

     When I was a sweet young thing in Michigan just starting my TM career, I decided to compete in the Humorous Speech Contest. Being somewhat creative, I thought I’d try to shock the audience by discussing a somewhat private topic—the toilet. Being an academic, I chose to research the history of the throne. I discovered that a man by the name of
Thomas Crapper was thought to be its inventor. I told the story of how this man would roll over in his toilet paper if he knew how his invention would grow and service the world—much less serve as the brunt of many jokes. I talked about trying to use the airplane toilet when the turbulence was pushing my cheeks into the flusher. I spoke of the different gadgets used to flush and how I almost had a heart attack when the first self-flusher sent me flying across the ladies room into the Tampax dispenser. All the while I told my story, my neck was creasing and my shoulders were cramping. Well, you are probably thinking it was all worth it when I walked away with the trophy at the District Contest. But no, you’re wrong. My speech went into the crapper. I never entered a bathroom after that that I didn’t shed a tear. Ok. Let’s see how my story fared on the Applausometer. (2 min.)