Tuesday, February 16, 2016

     What was I thinking? An evening at the movies on a warm, blustery Monday seemed like a reasonable idea last night. Did I know what to expect when I got there? Well, sort of. I knew it was $6 Monday with free parking and a free popcorn, thanks to my Regal card. Little did I know the disgusting, repulsive things that would occur upon arrival.

    First, my Regal Gift Certificate was .68 short, and the 12-year-old behind the glass was surly shoving my .07 change into my hand because I didn’t have the exact amount. 
     Then, I approached the popcorn counter gingerly, as there was so much on the floor, I had to dodge piles of it to get to the 11-year-old behind the counter who was clearly
distracted by some technological glitch in her cash register. I showed her my ticket with the “free” popcorn highlighted, and she proceeded to fill not one, but two huge bags with popcorn, a river of butter and a pound of salt. When she began to fill a half-gallon cup with Diet Coke (the worst possible liquid a person can put in a body), I said, “You know what, just give me one of those,” thinking to myself, “What on earth are you doing? You don’t eat any of this crap.” Just because it’s free?

     Before the main feature begins, there is always this introductory segment called, “First Look.” It should have been named, “First, Duck!” I have never seen previews of such ridiculous, repulsive crap on the screen. Everything from snot-dripping zombies to shoot-em-up fast-forward chases to adolescents chained to Wizard-of-Oz-whirling haunted houses flashed across the screen. Mr. Wonderful began ranting aloud about how f’d up the movie industry has become. I held my popcorn bag in front of my face and tried shushing him, but to no avail.
As I attempted to settle myself into my grimy chair, my feet sticking to the soda-soaked floor, I thought to myself, “You are really stupid for a smart gal. The feature hasn’t even begun yet, and you know you’ve totally f’d up suggesting this outing.”

     Then the feature began. Now I knew going in that it had something to do with a bear clawing a man in the woods. (So why would I subject myself to this to begin with?) Due to the fact that Leonardo di Caprio is up for an Oscar for his performance, and I usually enjoy watching the stars and strikes, I thought it would be interesting to see what all the type was about in his performance. Well, little did I know that even attending the screening, I would not see most of this film, as my fists were jammed in my eye sockets. Are you effen kidding me? Climbing into the bowels of a horse carcass naked? eating raw animal guts? stuffing seaweed into open wounds? This is entertainment? Well, it’s based on a true story, girlfriend. “Based” is the operative word. A friend read the book, and he said he wants to see the movie to see if it’s as good as the author portrayed. Yup. Let’s go for the double whammy. OMG. How numb have we gotten that we need to see such grotesque imagery? 

     I was so exhausted from ducking and squeezing what’s left of the collagen in my cheeks, I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel to watch something light and breezy like the Republican Debate replay.