Monday, March 20, 2017

                                 FP and SM

     This is for vain people who dream of a flat stomach and low numbers from the scale. Do you suffer from FP  and SMs? FP is what my dear friend, Marion, has fondly labeled “Fastener Pooch.” This is the annoying phenomenon of the zipper placket that sticks out in the front of one’s slacks and makes one look pregnant. If you’ve spent more than half your life as I have trying to achieve and maintain the flat tummy, then FP is very annoying. You buy a lovely pair of slacks, a gorgeous blouse, tuck it in, only to have the FP make you look like you’re in your first trimester. wtf. No matter how much you hold it in, the FP sticks out. Why didn’t it show at the store when you tried it on? Because the SM, the “Skinny Mirror” doesn’t show such things. If it did, you wouldn’t make the purchase.

      It has been discovered that certain stores have installed skinny mirrors that make the customer look about ten pounds thinner. This does wonders for business but creates an added stress for the buyer when she looks at herself in her own mirror and realizes that FP and SM have royally sent her day into the tank. 

     Some people might say, “Well, it’s obvious that it’s fabric sticking out, not you.” That’s b.s. The vicious females who love to one-up each other in their minds are saying, “Look at that woman. She’s quite attractive and thin, but what’s with the tummy?” Some kind women might say, “That woman is lovely. Look at her cute little tummy. She’s obviously a mother.” Vain women take no pride in such comments as we have been trying to get rid of the recently-touted “baby bump” for twenty years. Bump, schlump. No FPs, and down with SMs, I say. Give me the side-zipper and a Cosmo.